God Willing...

I think Tom Petty said it best when he sang, "the waiting... is the hardest part."  It's been nearly a month since I went to BACOM, and the bishop has committed to sending out letters by tomorrow.  Letters.  This means that it may well be as late as Monday before I know THE ANSWER.  This waiting has infected every part of me in some way.

I have convinced myself over and over of both outcomes, and made endless plans in my mind about how I may react to the good or bad news.  Mostly I have to just keep forging ahead as if it had already been decided for me - yes, I'm going to seminary, yes, I will be a priest - but I find that when I start talking this way my anxiety shoots way up.  Kristin and I have developed a coping mechanism of late that involves ending every statement about our future with the phrase "God willing..."  Some of you may recognize this concept from the book of James;  I find it ironically humorous that waiting on this answer has illuminated a biblical concept for me.  This time has really brought home to me the concept that my future is completely out of my hands, and I should always be mindful that God may have other plans for me.

Pious as I may feel, however, my new found grasp on reality does little to ease the churning in the pit of my stomach that comes at random times throughout my days.  I still find myself looking for some handle to wrest back control of my future, whether it be by rehashing nearly every conversation I had with the Commission on Ministry or by meditating on how obvious it is that my life has led to this point.  Anxiety or no, my hope is to find a way to live fully into the waiting until I have my answer.  After all, I will never have another time quite like this.

This evening as I pulled into our parking lot after work, I saw a UPS delivery man walking up our stairs with what looked like a white envelope.  Not knowing what I'm expecting, I parked in a hurry and sprinted down our sidewalk and up the stairs in a flurry.  It was a label for a package we're shipping.  I can only imagine what life could be like if I felt such excitement for every packing label!

God willing...